Quotations

There exists this wonderful BBC show called Coupling. I was just watching some of it. Overwhelmed with the greatness of its humour, I decided to post some quotations. These, save where otherwise marked, are all from Jeff, played by Richard Coyle. A wonderful, bizarre, and utterly frightening character. Enjoy.

'My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers...that's the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her'
'Many men have fallen through the sock gap Patrick'
'When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in them'
'What if I panic? What if I say an accidental word?'
'She's leaving the country...she doesn't speak English...I insulted her friend's breasts...and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket'
'Or your mother starts making enormous sculptures of erections and filling the house with them. That's what I hate'
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'Maybe you're licking her neck too much, are you over wetting her neck?'
'Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish them both together and do them both at once?'
'Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?'
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'Steve, sex with two whole women, think of the advantages...they can't both fall asleep. If one of them suddenly leaves or punches you, you've still got one left. If one of them plays that old sneaking out of the window trick, there's someone there to untie you. It's total genius.'
'...and all those breasts! Your bed would be like a breast car park. It'd be like being attacked by the giant breast octopus but only this time your mother wouldn't wake you up before the good bit.'
'Especially the tongues part. I love getting all that extra tongue. You know sometimes I eat really cold ice cream so my tongue goes numb and it feels like someone elses...but we all get lonely sometimes'
'Wait but there's just two of us, which is great obviously that's like a whole other person than normal...'
'I'm nearly thirty you know. I'm not 15. By now I should be able to talk to a woman without accidentally saying "nipples" or "gusset". Or, or, "Did you know you can make candles out of human fat?"'
'Exactly! I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin and let me tell you that can be a pretty lonely place'
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"There's a lot in Hi."
Steve: There are two letters in hi.
"Yeah, and I hit both of them like a crazy fool. It was like a disaster movie, halfway through the H, I'm thinking "no, no pull out now!". Have you ever tried to pull out during an H?
Steve: Jeff the world in all it's fabulous diversity is entirely populated by people who have never tried to 'pull out during an H'
"Do you know why? Cos it isn't a proper letter. It's just a, just a 'huh' noise. Once you've started on the 'huh' you've basically 'huh-ed' so what could I say? Hello? How are you...hippo?"
Patrick: Hippo?
"You can't say hippo. You don't want to come off sounding like some surreal cupboard loitering lunatic."
Steve: It's just so ironic that you should have that as a specific ambition.
"So I said 'hi'. Suddenly it was out there, suddenly that little word was hanging in the air, pouting."
Steve: Pouting?
"Like a scantily dressed prostitute reclining on a street lamp."
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"Do you know what arses are Patrick? Arses are the human races' favourite thing. We like them on each other. We like them on magazine covers. We even like them on babies. When we're alone we like to scratch them. When there's a fire, we like to warm them and who among us hasn't, in a lonely moment, reached back for a discreet fondle? We love our arses. When God gave us our arses he had to stick them around the back just so that we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. 'Cos when God made the arse he didn't say, 'hey it's not your basic hinge, lets knock off early.' He said, 'behold ye angels I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, man and woman shall grab hold of these and shout my name.'
"I am grappling with the most ancient dilemma of man. She likes me, but which end?"
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"Ok, maybe I can help you. You know jelly wrestling?"
Steve: Jelly wrestling?
"Which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it."
Steve: We're familiar with the concept yes.
"Ok, well, think about this afterwards, after the wrestling. What happens to the jelly?"
Steve: The jelly.
"Because you could sell that. That... is a missed opportunity. You could bottle and sell it.."
Steve: Ok.
"You'd take the women out first, obviously."
Steve: Good.
"There'd just be a hint."
Steve: Are you in any way moving in the direction of relevance?
"Relevance? Steve, do you realize what I just invented? Porn Jelly. The human races' two most favourite things meet at last. In dessert form."
Steve: Jeff!
"There's a lot of lonely people out there Steve. What do lonely people enjoy? Puddings and porn. Now, for all your needs, pudding porn. It's a girlfriend in a jar except it's jelly."
Steve: Jeff, can I ask again how this is relevant to Patrick's dream?
"I was kinda hoping something would come up."
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"Lesbians are porn efficient. It's sex with a greater density of women. Porn wise, lesbians are like a jam sandwich without the sandwich and just the jam. In fact, lesbians are just a big blob of jam. Well, not actually. Unless they've exploded in all the lesbonic excitement. Also, in bloke driven porn you run the risk of potential dangerous eye slippage."
Susan: Eye slippage?
"If, in the climactic seconds your eye slips from the girl to the bloke the sudden shock can cause a whiplash event. And trust me, lower whiplash is not an injury you want to have to explain while you're being stretchered out through your mother's coffee morning."
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"Can I get you anything?"
Jane: I think I'm fine actually.
"Anything at all?"
Jane: What have you got?
"Four biscuits and an apple."
Jane: Oh.
"I've owned the apple for awhile it's probably still broadly feasible but I wouldn't want to talk it up."
Jane: I'm fine really.
"It's very easy to miss the apple window, isn't it? I get very tense around apples."
Jane: You do?
"Well I get very tense in general. I think I've fallen into the trap of blaming fruit.
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