Quotations

There exists this wonderful BBC show called Coupling. I was just watching some of it. Overwhelmed with the greatness of its humour, I decided to post some quotations. These, save where otherwise marked, are all from Jeff, played by Richard Coyle. A wonderful, bizarre, and utterly frightening character. Enjoy.

'My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers...that's the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her'
'Many men have fallen through the sock gap Patrick'
'When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in them'
'What if I panic? What if I say an accidental word?'
'She's leaving the country...she doesn't speak English...I insulted her friend's breasts...and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket'
'Or your mother starts making enormous sculptures of erections and filling the house with them. That's what I hate'
-
'Maybe you're licking her neck too much, are you over wetting her neck?'
'Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish them both together and do them both at once?'
'Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?'
-
'Steve, sex with two whole women, think of the advantages...they can't both fall asleep. If one of them suddenly leaves or punches you, you've still got one left. If one of them plays that old sneaking out of the window trick, there's someone there to untie you. It's total genius.'
'...and all those breasts! Your bed would be like a breast car park. It'd be like being attacked by the giant breast octopus but only this time your mother wouldn't wake you up before the good bit.'
'Especially the tongues part. I love getting all that extra tongue. You know sometimes I eat really cold ice cream so my tongue goes numb and it feels like someone elses...but we all get lonely sometimes'
'Wait but there's just two of us, which is great obviously that's like a whole other person than normal...'
'I'm nearly thirty you know. I'm not 15. By now I should be able to talk to a woman without accidentally saying "nipples" or "gusset". Or, or, "Did you know you can make candles out of human fat?"'
'Exactly! I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin and let me tell you that can be a pretty lonely place'
-
"There's a lot in Hi."
Steve: There are two letters in hi.
"Yeah, and I hit both of them like a crazy fool. It was like a disaster movie, halfway through the H, I'm thinking "no, no pull out now!". Have you ever tried to pull out during an H?
Steve: Jeff the world in all it's fabulous diversity is entirely populated by people who have never tried to 'pull out during an H'
"Do you know why? Cos it isn't a proper letter. It's just a, just a 'huh' noise. Once you've started on the 'huh' you've basically 'huh-ed' so what could I say? Hello? How are you...hippo?"
Patrick: Hippo?
"You can't say hippo. You don't want to come off sounding like some surreal cupboard loitering lunatic."
Steve: It's just so ironic that you should have that as a specific ambition.
"So I said 'hi'. Suddenly it was out there, suddenly that little word was hanging in the air, pouting."
Steve: Pouting?
"Like a scantily dressed prostitute reclining on a street lamp."
-
"Do you know what arses are Patrick? Arses are the human races' favourite thing. We like them on each other. We like them on magazine covers. We even like them on babies. When we're alone we like to scratch them. When there's a fire, we like to warm them and who among us hasn't, in a lonely moment, reached back for a discreet fondle? We love our arses. When God gave us our arses he had to stick them around the back just so that we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. 'Cos when God made the arse he didn't say, 'hey it's not your basic hinge, lets knock off early.' He said, 'behold ye angels I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, man and woman shall grab hold of these and shout my name.'
"I am grappling with the most ancient dilemma of man. She likes me, but which end?"
-
"Ok, maybe I can help you. You know jelly wrestling?"
Steve: Jelly wrestling?
"Which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it."
Steve: We're familiar with the concept yes.
"Ok, well, think about this afterwards, after the wrestling. What happens to the jelly?"
Steve: The jelly.
"Because you could sell that. That... is a missed opportunity. You could bottle and sell it.."
Steve: Ok.
"You'd take the women out first, obviously."
Steve: Good.
"There'd just be a hint."
Steve: Are you in any way moving in the direction of relevance?
"Relevance? Steve, do you realize what I just invented? Porn Jelly. The human races' two most favourite things meet at last. In dessert form."
Steve: Jeff!
"There's a lot of lonely people out there Steve. What do lonely people enjoy? Puddings and porn. Now, for all your needs, pudding porn. It's a girlfriend in a jar except it's jelly."
Steve: Jeff, can I ask again how this is relevant to Patrick's dream?
"I was kinda hoping something would come up."
-
"Lesbians are porn efficient. It's sex with a greater density of women. Porn wise, lesbians are like a jam sandwich without the sandwich and just the jam. In fact, lesbians are just a big blob of jam. Well, not actually. Unless they've exploded in all the lesbonic excitement. Also, in bloke driven porn you run the risk of potential dangerous eye slippage."
Susan: Eye slippage?
"If, in the climactic seconds your eye slips from the girl to the bloke the sudden shock can cause a whiplash event. And trust me, lower whiplash is not an injury you want to have to explain while you're being stretchered out through your mother's coffee morning."
-
"Can I get you anything?"
Jane: I think I'm fine actually.
"Anything at all?"
Jane: What have you got?
"Four biscuits and an apple."
Jane: Oh.
"I've owned the apple for awhile it's probably still broadly feasible but I wouldn't want to talk it up."
Jane: I'm fine really.
"It's very easy to miss the apple window, isn't it? I get very tense around apples."
Jane: You do?
"Well I get very tense in general. I think I've fallen into the trap of blaming fruit.
-

Now I need an Ernie

I don't like Mondays
I want to shoot the whole day down.

You Are 64% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at medium risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is somewhat likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

On Average, You Would Sell Out For

$333,707

At What Price Would You Sell Out?

Apparently I'm cheap.

I ran into Ms. Heneberry(sp? nickname?) and her daughter the other day. She bought pizza. I'm quite impressed that she recognized me after so long. After all, grade six was a while ago. SHe's working with CHEO now. She says hi.

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

You Are Death

You symbolize the end, which can be frightening. But you also symbolize the immortality of the soul. You represent transformation, rebirth of a new life. Sweeping away the past is part of this card, as painful as it may be. Your fortune: Don't worry, this card does not predict death itself. Instead it foreshadows the ending of an era of your life, one that is hard to let go of. But with the future great new things will come, and it's time to embrace them. Mourn for a while, but then face the future with humility and courage.

What Tarot Card Are You?

ok, I think I'll take the Fool.

I've never understood this fetish for eating pizza with all that cutlery. You're eating it, not taking out its appendix.

.tired

To begin, the internet tells me who I am:

Which tarot card are you?
not flattered?

Which Member of the Endless Are You?
or, equally possibly...

Which Member of the Endless Are You?
The heir apparent is to go into hospital as soon as they can find her a bed. Something about more closely monitering the effects of her antidepressants. She's on crazy strong stuff now, like a zombie she is.
Don't you stop yelling at a person when they're like that? When they're that sick? Don't you stop picking fights with them and criticizing them and whining at them? Surely depression ought to give you a bit of a free pass from all that idiocy. It's only fair. If you can't read, can't think, can barely watch television, and spend half your afternoons just crying, you don't really need any extra help with misery, surely.
They don't know when to back off.
In truth, for I must be fair, even in a diary, they have shifted a little from the nightly screaming fits they had at her before they kicked her out of the house to spend a year working in a parking garage, the last time. Spazz and I are more often targets instead of her than before--we're very convenient for this just now, being "home." And, of course, they always get such an entertaining reaction from me. It's all about reaction, that's what bullies like, right? That's what the teachers always told me when I was little. They always tell you not to react, but that's all very well for people who can dismiss other people's hatred or anger or even mild dislike, but I never could. And working six days a week in an oven, burning myself and talking to idiots all the time puts me on edge enough that I turn a lovely nice shade of pink and start shrieking uneccessarily at the least provocation. What a lovely show for them. Not that they've ever had trouble getting at me; it's a gift of theirs. They've cultivated enough built-up resentment I've never dared express to them that it takes little more to set me off than an unnecessary lecture on the vile sin of waiting outside bathroom doors for a turn when they don't know you're there and so startling them when they open the door. Or sitting on a couch, for once out of the room when they don't expect to see you. I don't know what they expect me to do about this--wear a cowbell? It is my fault they're unperceptive and jumpy?
Much as I feel they deserve to be yelled at a lot more often, I wish I had self-control around them.
I just wish they'd stop playing their power games on me--you know, the old 'I control more of your life than you do' routine. It's as if they don't know they've got me where they want. Or as if they need some sort of cruel reassurance all the time that they still matter enough to make me cry.
I'm tired of apologizing for being tired. I'm tired of apologizing for being so ungrateful as to turn down her majesty's beautiful meal she slaved over when I'm so nauseous even water tastes of rancid butter. I'm tired of apologizing for defending my sister. Always with the ingratitude they are. Disagreement is not ingratitude and the roof over our heads has nothing to do with the topics under discussion.
Why is it always so one-sided? They're only people, after all, and they are wrong sometimes, even though they don't admit it. More than sometimes. Being a parent gives you responsibilities, it doesn't give you rights. Surely they shouldn't win every fight. And it shouldn't always be a war.
I hope she gets better soon. She needs to be able to work so she can get out of this house. She keeps asking after the phone, waiting for the call. Spazz isn't talking to anybody, at least as much as someone like her can be isolated. She's always been good at the talking and the smiling, even and especially when it isn't real. Unhappiness is, after all, ingratitude, not to mention a lack of "perspective." Glad as I am that we're not starving in a Third World country, I still must say that this summer for all of us has mostly been a dead loss.
Much as my finances are bleak, I am very much looking forward to fall.
I hate being beholden to them. I wish I were a useful person. I wish they'd let me work earlier instead of preserving my marks, which didn't get me a scholarship anyway. I wish I wasn't so coddled that I hardly ever cope with anything real that matters. I wish I knew what I was doing. I don't have to enjoy it, I just need something practical, something I can do.
I hope she gets better. I hope she gets better soon.
I wish I could do something.